Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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