Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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