apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
