When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
