I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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