I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
