Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
They took my balls.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
