lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Drake has all the answers
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
