Do you still have your period?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
