When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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