OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
