I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
