Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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