I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
