Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
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"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
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I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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