I got chris browned last night
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
