After last night, I could never be a politician.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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