I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
