I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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