Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
