When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
