It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
