you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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