Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
