chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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