My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You can't just leave with hair like that
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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