plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
