saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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