If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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