I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
