We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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