he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
