so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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