Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
