You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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