I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
