I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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