I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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