Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
