Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
