I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
