I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
