I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
