It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
