i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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