I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
