I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you inspire me to be a worse person
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
