i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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