i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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