The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
