Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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