I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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