Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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