you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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